i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
