My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
