You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
