I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
