I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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