elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
