Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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