when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
