Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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