made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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