someone get that fucking seahorse.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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