ya dads aren't the best wingmen
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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