I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
