I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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