This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Even my vagina gasped.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
