Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I intend to get homeless drunk
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
