the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
