dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
