I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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