I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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