just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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