I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
