Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
