Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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