Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
