I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
