So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I just want nice things and good sex
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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