I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
