Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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