Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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