Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
