sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
