Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
