just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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