Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
