maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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