if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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