The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
