are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
