I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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