I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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