dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
