apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
