I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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