why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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