I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
