I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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