I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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