I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
not ubering you a puppy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
