You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
Randomize
